What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker?

A tie!

The US has made a new weapon that destroys people, but keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market.

My dog is my soul mate; we both take naps, we both skip lunch, we both hate the vacuum…

According to reports, officials at the Department of Agriculture told staffers to avoid the term “climate change” in their research and to use terms like “weather extremes” instead. And instead of earthquakes, they’re now called “li’l shakeroos.”

Can a 3-D printer make ink cartridges for a 2-D printer?

In Virginia someone broke into a man’s apartment, cleaned it, and took nothing. Completely cleaned the place. Police are describing the suspect as his mother.

The cool part about naming your kid is you don’t have to add six numbers to make sure the name is available.

A truck carrying 22,000 pounds of ravioli and jalapenos caught on fire while on a highway in Indiana — and immediately became Guy Fieri’s latest restaurant.

A Russian spy plane was spotted over New Jersey. Yeah. The Russian pilot was overheard saying, “You know, Siberia’s not so bad.”

Costco has to pay Tiffany’s $19 million for selling 2,500 fake Tiffany rings. Husbands don’t know what’s worse, having to tell their wife her ring ISN’T from Tiffany, or that it IS from Costco. “I’ve got bad news and worse news...”