Imagine if you would hit the clock in the morning and the clock would hit you right back.
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I think it would be truly alarming.

I weighed myself today. It is clear I am too small for my weight.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

Two fortune tellers meet. First one says, “We’re going to have a hot summer again.” The second one sighs happily: “Yes, it reminds me of the summer in 2092…”

mlawson71 wrote: Sun Oct 14, 2018 12:26 am Two fortune tellers meet. First one says, “We’re going to have a hot summer again.” The second one sighs happily: “Yes, it reminds me of the summer in 2092…”

muahahahaha good one

There are two kinds of people. Some wash their dishes because they just ate; the others wash their dishes because they are just about to eat.

Two egotists started a fight. It was an I for an I.

I was hoping to steal some leftovers from the party but I guess my plans were foiled.

3 Parrots for Sale at £170, £150 and £10.
A woman comes in and asks “Why is that parrot so much cheaper?”
“It used to live in a brothel.” The shopkeeper replied.
The woman laughs and says “l’ll take it!” And takes the parrot home. When they get home the parrot starts saying “Oh f**k me not another brothel!”
Later the womens daughters get home and the parrot chimes “F**k me new girls coming to work!” And they laugh.
That evening the woman’s husband gets home from work, and the parrot screeches “F**k me Keith, long time no see!”

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little b*****d. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."