My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first - timer questions.
One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."

A wife is like a hand grenade. Take off the ring and say good bye to your house
- no offence to the ladies - just joke

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

Management student kisses a girl.
Girl: What’s this?
Boy: Its called DIRECT MARKETING.
(Girl slaps the boy)
Boy: What is this?
Girl: This is CUSTOMER FEED BACK.

When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.

The first one says: “You need to eat that chocolate.”

The other voice goes: “You heard. Eat the chocolate.”

mlawson71 wrote: Fri Mar 23, 2018 2:40 am When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.

The first one says: “You need to eat that chocolate.”

The other voice goes: “You heard. Eat the chocolate.”

That's crazy, man. Voices in your head... The only voice I hear in such a situation comes from the chocolate: "Eat me! Eat me!"

Krelian99 wrote: Fri Mar 23, 2018 3:07 am

That's crazy, man. Voices in your head... The only voice I hear in such a situation comes from the chocolate: "Eat me! Eat me!"

I hear that voice too.

All joking aside, I really do love chocolate.

What if dogs fetch the ball back only because they think you really like throwing it?

An eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?”

“Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”

Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.