Two cats are sitting in front of bird’s cage and observe a newly arrived green canary.

One cat says to the other, “It really is a strange color for a bird. Maybe he’s not ripe yet.”

What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

Teacher: What exactly is MATH?
Boy: Mental Abuse To Humans

FrancoisT wrote: Tue Mar 13, 2018 2:57 am Teacher: What exactly is MATH?
Boy: Mental Abuse To Humans

Thank you. I needed that laugh today.

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced his altitude and saw a man below. "Excuse me, but can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am," he said.
The man below replied: "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 ft above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and between 56 and 57 degrees West longitude."
To which the balloonist replied: "You must be a broker." To which the man on the ground said: "I am, but how did you know?"
The reply came from above: "Everything you told me is technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The man below responded: "You must be a trader." To which the balloonist replied: "Yes, I am, but how did you know?"
To which the man on the ground said: "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to your current position due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Forex Trader: What is million years for you?
God: Like one second.
Forex trader: What is a million dollars like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Forex trader: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second …

A guest calls the waiter and complains, “How come there are no chairs at our table?!”
-
The waiter shrugs, “I’m sorry but you only booked one table…”

If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate, would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate?

mlawson71 wrote: Sun Mar 18, 2018 12:51 am If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate, would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate?

WHITE?? am i right

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.