No. 1 most sexually diseased state is Alaska. And the reason they have the most STDs in Alaska is, have you ever tried to open a condom while you’re wearing mittens?

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.

Workers at a Goodwill store in Washington state got a big surprise when they opened a donated cooler and inside they found $24,000 worth of marijuana. GOODwill? More like AWESOMEwill.

A federal judge in Hawaii blocked the president’s new travel ban, which is supposed to have gone into effect at midnight. That is really amazing to me — they have judges in Hawaii?

That is always a good plan. Unless you're like me and drinking coffee makes you feel sick.

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to get his wife’s test results.

The lab technician says to him, “I’m very sorry, sir, but we’ve had a bit of a problem. At the same time we sent your wife’s samples to the lab, the lab also received samples from another Mrs. Smith, and now we’re not sure which results are your wife’s. But, frankly, it’s either bad news or terrible news!”

“What do you mean?” said Mr. Smith.

“Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer’s, and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. And we can’t tell which is your wife’s test.”

“This is terrible!” cries Mr. Smith. “Can’t we do the test over?”

Normally, yes,” says the technician, “but you have Blue Cross Health Care, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”

Well, what am I supposed to do now?” said Mr. Smith.

“Blue Cross recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.”

Vegan action movie? Must be about fruit ninjas.