We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings: “Well, I’m bored. Let’s go brush our teeth.” Or, “I’ve got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth.”

With airlines adding fees to fees, The Week magazine asked its readers to predict the next surcharge they’ll levy for something previously free.
1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card …
2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay Complaint Fee.
3. View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating (formerly aisle seats), $10 $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative.
4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin after you bump into it.

It was so cold today I saw a stockbroker with his hands in his own pockets.

Judge in the court asking captured prisoner:
J - Why you have decided to escape from the prison young man. You have just few months left?
P - I was wanted to marry.
J - Hm, honestly you have very strange understanding about the freedom!

My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking.

Chart - what you check after you exit trading, trying to understand what went wrong.
System Trading - a phrase you employ to explain to the Apprentice how your trade did not work out the way you meant.
Break – a pause you take when you have either 2 profitable or 5 unprofitable deals in a row.
Moving Average - a curly line that has nothing to do with the price movement if you have an open position.
Trend Line - an imaginary line on the price chart that only changes when the market is closed or when you are not looking.
Day Trading - trading which you start too late and exit too early.
Scalping - losing only an eighth in one go.
Confusion - 6 open positions.
Friday – a weekly opportunity to give back everything you gained that week.

Happy World Men's Day and don't forget: November is Movember!

BTW, who invents such absurd words? Thanks, dear drunken urologists for such word monsters.

T NOW! What do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! When do we want them? RIGH

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.

From a trader after a market crash: “This is worse than a divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.”